I had a bad day. It was one of those days where I allowed the struggles of my journey to consume me and harden my spirit.
As I sat silently on my couch I found myself thinking, “I will never know what it’s like to bring a child into this world, I will never experience motherhood, I will never this…I will never that…I will never.”
I approached my husband and said, “I’m having one of those days. I don’t know about this kid thing. I don’t know if IVF or IUI is going to work. I don’t know if we’re going to get to experience being parents. I don’t know if….” and that’s when he stopped me and said, “Do you not trust God?” I replied, “Yes, but…”
“Then stop worrying. All that is is fear. The devil wants you to be discouraged by making you believe that our journey will end without kids.” He said.
I sat silent for a moment because he was right.
He continued saying, “When that happens you have to stop and pray. No matter how you feel. Trust God Teresa. He will give you the desires of your heart. We will have children no matter what route we take. You do your part and let God do his.”
He was speaking the truth.
No, I didn’t walk away encouraged and ready to tackle my fears. I walked away feeling convicted because I really doubted God. I allowed the fear that crossed my mind to tackle my heart.
In that moment I prayed and asked God to forgive me for doubting him. Forgive me for thinking that he wouldn’t do what he said he would. Forgive me for thinking so negatively. Forgive me for allowing doubt to ruin my spirit. Forgive me…
Today is better. I’m working on tackling the fears that have been trying to attack my mind. I’m working on not allowing those thoughts to consume me. I know it’s going to get better. I trust God that it will.